There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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