u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
