Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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