I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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