East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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