I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
