We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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