i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize