What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
