i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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