Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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