I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
