I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
