Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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