it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
