She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
