I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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