apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
