Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
