you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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