I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
