didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Found the puke drawer
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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