I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
