community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize