I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
