So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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