u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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