My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
