Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
