my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
