All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
