**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
