I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
farters have to be the big spoon...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
