so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
