you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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