I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
