I puked a lego.
should my penis look like a turkey
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
