i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
