I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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