Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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