I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
