ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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