I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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