I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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