My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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