remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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