I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
