How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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