Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize