I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
