I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
