We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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