I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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