she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
