I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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