'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
