woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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