My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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