i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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