Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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