my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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