is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
