From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
