Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
