I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
